This is who I am

I was born in 1980 to parents who are still married. To each other.
I have a sister and a brother. Sister is older. Brother is younger.
Some people say that I am a classic middle child. I am the peace keeper. I hate confrontation. I am a lover not a fighter.
I have lived in NJ 30 years of my life. This is important to note since we are currently living in Minnesota.
I used to hate change. I feared change! It was hard moving out here.
I was born with a heart defect. I am good now, but it was a bit scary when I was younger.
I had a near fatal accident when I was 6. I am pretty sure that is the reason for my lack of rebellion in my teenage years. I grew up knowing that I could die at any time. I never had any of that fearlessness that comes with thinking you are indestructible as a teenager. I never snuck out. I didn't drink or do drugs or smoke. I was a pretty tame kid. My parents were lucky.
I am a very passionate person. I know how I feel about most things that I think are important.
I will never push my beliefs on you and I expect the same in return. I once made a bible thumper cry because he was trying to force his religion on me and I kept asking him questions that he couldn't answer.
I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe in something bigger than myself, though I am not sure what.
I don't understand politics and I would really rather not try.
I have very strong feelings about a lot of things but don't really talk about it because I am afraid of offending people.
I have trust issues. I very rarely believe whole hearted in what anyone says. There are only 2 exceptions to that and they are my husband and my father.
I get embarrassed easily and it lingers for a VERY long time. I still get embarrassed about a small exchange between myself and a friend in 5th grade. Sometimes when I am watching TV I will get embarrassed for whomever is on the TV and have to change the channel.
My family is full of drama queens and I can't stand it. I don't know why people can't just mind their own damn business and yet here I am telling you all my shit.
I am a mother of 3 children. Sometimes I wish I wasn't. Only in small ways though. I love my children with all I have and wouldn't change them for anything but sometimes I wish I could sleep in. I used to feel like a bad mom on a daily basis. I let my kids watch too much TV. They didn't play outside enough.
I am a very laid back mom. I don't freak out if they get sick. It's fine if they get hurt as long as it's not too serious. I think it builds *something* to let them work out their differences between themselves. I have been accused of letting my children run crazy but I don't see it that way. I just think that I can't control their every move.
 My husband says I am a pessimist but I think I am a realist. And yet at the same time I feel very optimistic and my husband calls it naive. I suppose the latter may be true. I live with the thought that the world should be fair and just and I am constantly surprised and saddened when it isn't.
I think that good things should happen to good people. That is not to say that I think bad things should happen to bad people. I do think that everyone deserves a second chance. I think that some people get too many chances.
I believe in Karma to an extent. I think that if you do bad things to people, bad things will happen to you.
 The only thing that I want out of life is happiness. I fear that I will never get it.
I am afraid of rejection. The worst thing that someone could say to me if I ask for help is no. I really feel like its the end of the world.
I have an insane fear of death. Not just mine but everyone I love.
I am afraid to live life completely sometimes. I wish I could be one of those people who can just let go and have a fun life.
I am afraid of turning into all of the bad things I don't like about other people.
I am afraid of never being as good of a person as my father is.
I don't like when people judge me and it makes me crazy. I let things that other people think about me bother me.
I am a hard worker, but I procrastinate. I find myself thinking that I will change things.....tomorrow. I'll lose weight starting tomorrow. I'll do better with balancing the check book starting tomorrow. I'll make more of an effort to spend quality time with the kids starting tomorrow. I'll start exercising tomorrow.
I worry that I may never truly be happy.
But I do have a lot going for me. I have a wonderful husband. I have 3 beautiful kids. I have a family that, no matter how truly fucked up we are, will always be there for me the way that they know how.
We are all healthy.
I guess me in a nut shell is this: I'm not a perfect person/ there's many things I wish I didn't do/ but I'll continue learning.